Proud of who I am

My beauty is not limited to my looks or the way I walk. It’s not my body or my hair that defines me. Don’t judge my be my looks, my clothes or the way I wear my hair. My intelligence is not limited to my degrees or my educational level. Don’t make assumptions about me by looking at my income, my house or my life style. I can not be defined by all these. Judge me by the love and compassion I have in my heart. Find the beauty in the way I smile when I hide my scars and overcome my pain. Define me by my capacity to endure pain and my passion to survive despite all the odds in my life. Judge me by the way I treat people around me and the way I touch so many hearts with my unconditional love. My life is not glorious but it’s not awful or pathetic. I may not have a great influence on people I meet, but, I ‘m unique in my own special way even with my flaws and imperfections. And, if this is not enough you can define me by the footprints of love that I will leave behind in the hearts of people when I am dead and gone. I am proud of who I am.

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Home Bitter Sweet Home!!

After driving 24hrs with my younger brother we finally arrived home. It was a great trip, although we had quite a few disagreements due to our personal views on things, it was still a good trip. We got to bond with each other and get to learn more about each other. He did provide me with a lot of advice and his views on the current situations I’m having to face. Both of us have strong characters as well as a giving heart. He’s like my best friend because I can literally talk to him about EVERYTHING even about my guy issues and female issues. Although sometimes he says I give him TMI. He still listens to me.

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As soon as we arrived to his house our parents came over and we had some delicious Pollo Loco; something I’d been craving for a couple of months; as well as some drinks! My family enjoys family time as well as having lots of drinks around! I’ve included a picture of me and my parents. Family and random people say I’m the spitting image of my father and it’s kind of sad that I ended up being a female. I don’t take it to heart, cuz I know I’m my own persona.

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My dad has been bugging me to come back home. Every conversation we have is “come back home”. I’ve almost been convinced to just finish the summer session which is in two weeks and packing my personal belongings and coming back home. I spoke to a couple of friends and I already have a job lined up if I want it as well a place to live; which would be in my brother’s condo. But, part of me just wants to stay and live a peaceful life in Texas. So, we’ll see what the stars have in store for me these next few weeks and then maybe, just maybe I will return to california.

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G. GLOW

I’ve been feeling great this past week except for one day. I felt like what’s the point of working so hard to have so many challenges, trials and tribulations? I mean really? What outcome does God expect from me? Does he expect me to keep pushing forward or quit and go back to the miserable life I used to live? I don’t know if He just keeps teaching me a lesson or what. He knows I can handle what He puts in my path, so why keep going through this? But, then I realized that this is life; full of trials and tribulations – it’s how we learn to live a rich God given life.

Today I woke up feeling ecstatic yet tired and burned out. So I slept and stayed in bed till I had to get up and get ready for work.

My room-mate said I looked good; that there’s this glow to me. I came to work and chilled at the cafeteria because I was early an hour and studied for a bit. A house-keeping lady said I looked beautiful and she almost didn’t recognize me because there’s this glow to me. And, my co-worker said I’m shining like a star. Well, I figured three people have said I have a glow, guess I’m calling it the G. Glow! LOL. I find that so funny!

My response was maybe its love, who knows?! Only God knows! But, yes, I’m in Love (sigh). Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m on cloud number 9. I just hope I don’t fall hard; which is my main concern. But, I’m going with the flow and taking this one day at a time. We can’t possibly rush into anything with our busy and hectic schedules.  If this is meant to be it will find a way to work itself out, whether we can only spend a few hours together or just a weekend a month; as long as we get some quality time together, it’s what matters to me the most. Whatever the case, as long as we both try. I think that’s what counts the most, that we both put an effort into this new found love.

I text my best friend and shared with her everything that’s been going on in my life and the revelation I received from God. Her response was “Finally!” I can agree with her! This is a new feeling that I’ve never experienced and I love it. She also said “You deserve someone in your life that will love and care for you like never before.” We’ll see what the stars have in store for us.

I’m suppose to be working yet here I am writing this blog regarding my G. Glow! I can’t stop laughing. Yes, I’m random like that!!

Wish me luck y’all.

Love & Light!

Expressions from my Heart

Do you know what Love is? In my opinion, God is Love. I’ve experienced His Love for me and He’s allowed me to learn to love again. I’ll explain in just a bit, but first I got to go back to when I was married and what I thought was love.  I was with my ex-husband 2 ½ years before we decided to get married and then we were married 2 ½ years; totaling 5 years together. He was actually my first date, kiss, and boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him when I was 22 years old. I’ve come to realize that what I thought was love was just a relationship based off of sex from the get go; it was lust. Did I love him, well yes of course, I felt some sort of best friend kind of love for him. But, I wasn’t in-love with him. Sadly, I realized that when we were together four years, but I still continued in the relationship. We had a regular relationship with highs and lows. Mostly lows, but we stuck whatever we faced together. The problem was his mother. She created a lot of havoc in our relationship and it would urck the fuck out of me when he would not give me my place as his wife and defend me. I defended him against my family regardless. Why? Because he was my husband and no matter what he deserved some respect from my family. His mother was one of the many reasons why our relationship didn’t work out. Then, there was the part where he cheated on me a month after celebrating five years together. What the fuck is that? I mean really? If he wanted out, he could’ve just been open and honest and said so. I found this all out after we were separated. I remember him saying that we both needed to go our separate ways and that he didn’t have the heart to tell me why. My reaction was tears, a heart-break and the statement of “if you don’t have the heart, at least have the balls to tell me the truth.” He said he couldn’t. We went our separate ways and I never saw him again. 

You see, I’m a genuine person. I call it like I see it. If I say something it’s because I mean it. I don’t dilly dally around anything. I’m an honest and truth seeking person. I’d rather know the truth and get hurt rather than be told a lie and feel and look like an idiot. I don’t think its pride, I think it’s deserving to know the reason and also deserving of honesty and truth. After my divorce I dated a few guys here and there but it just wasn’t my cup of tea so I remained single without dating for years. My focus has been on me and taking care of my-self, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I had to heal from many wounds I had open. I had to heal a very broken heart. And with the help of some friends and God, I was able to do just that. I was able to mend all my open wounds from the past and my marriage.

I moved to Texas and began a new life, although as previously stated in a previous blog; my first year was very challenging. But, I’ve been able to settle down and have a good life; albeit, with many challenges, trials and tribulations, but, I keep pushing forward.

I was encouraged by a co-worker to date off of the website POF. I wasn’t too sure, but after much thought decided, what the heck. I created a profile and within a week I met a few guys and went on dates. Then, there he was. I met someone else; we went on our first date and hit it off. We’ve seen each other on and off since. But, I have feelings for him. What I feel for him is nothing compared to how I felt when I was married, this feeling is different. It’s a great feeling. 

While reading scriptures the other morning God gave me a message and said to let go and lower the barriers I’ve built around my heart. So, just simply like that, I did. And, do you know how I feel? I feel very vulnerable and unprotected. But, if this is what God said to do, I’m doing it with hopes that something wonderful and beautiful will flourish.

The title of my blog is Expressions from my heart. Well I’m going to give you the expressions of my heart right now. I’ve fallen for the man I met back in August. I’ve shared with him that I like him a lot but there are times where I’m scared he might not reciprocate the same feelings. God said it would all be ok. So, here goes. I feel true love for this man. I want to love and care for him. I want to spend sleepless nights talking and getting to know each other. I want to be able to hang out with him at a football or basketball game. I want to get to know his little girl and have the opportunity of the three of us hanging out. I want to be held by him at night and feel his love and protection. I want to be able to wish him a good day in the morning and kiss him goodnight at bedtime. I want a relationship with him based off a good friendship, honesty, respect, effective communication and loyalty. There are many other things I’d love to have with him, but the above mentioned are what is important to me. A few months ago, I shared with him that he had my heart and he couldn’t understand why if we barely know each other. And, I can’t answer that. He simply has my heart whether we’ve known each other a few months or whether it’s been years, he sincerely has my heart and I’m in love with him. There I said it. I’m in love with him. He has a beautiful soul, great eyes and a great smile. I don’t know that if I were to tell him how my heart feels for him if he’d think I was crazy or run. And it’s ok if he does either of the two. Love is and makes you do crazy things, like write this blog for everyone to know how I feel for this man. He makes my day when I hear from him and makes my heart smile.

For some people, y’all might think I’m corny but I don’t care what anyone thinks or has to say about how I feel or anything that has to do with me. All I know is I had to share with the world that I’m in love with a man that makes my heart smile and jump with joy, literally!

Wish me luck on my new ventures and this new found love.

 Love & Light!

Free From Oppression

Most of my life I’ve lived in my own oppression. This past weekend I just couldn’t take it anymore. I used the fact that I was dared to do something and I did. I came clean and told my closest co-workers that I was a pansexual (along the lines of being bisexual). They couldn’t believe it and I was fine with that because I had this sense of relief rush through-out my whole body. Next thing I needed to do was tell my parents. I sent a text to my two brothers basically telling them I was gay. One of them turned around and told my dad. It wasn’t his place to say anything and I don’t think he understands the principle of it. Anyways, for hours my dad blew up my phone via calls and txt msgs. I couldn’t answer as all this happened, I was actually at work.

I waited to get home and even had a speech for my father: “Dad, is it a requirement for me to love men in order for you to love me? Because if that’s the case then know you’re my dad and I love you for who you are, who you’ve been, and who’ll you’ll be. I love you for your choices and your mistakes and I’d be happy if you stood by my side and accepted me as is, through my choices and mistakes, past and present. But this is who I am and who I’ll always be and you’ve loved me this long, while I’ve been this person and now your love changes because I’ve put a name on my sexuality?” His response was cold. He basically said that he used to be very proud of me and held me up in a pedestal and now with this he simply could not accept me and hung up on me.

While I sat in the truck sobbing, I could only think of relief and freedom. I was finally free from this long lived oppression within my heart. Do you understand the concept of being free? If you feel oppressed in any way, shape or form, try it sometime. You will cry and feel like nothing will bring you down, because you’ve broken those chains holding you down. My father asked if this is what he taught me. Where is the respect towards the family? He totally made this about him and not me; again I’m fine with it. I had to just get it off my chest and let them know who the real me is.

I can no longer hide myself because of shame or judgment from others. I refuse to accept anything less of myself. I will continue to live my life the way I have, continue my education and keep my eyes on the prize – my ultimate life goal. I will accomplish all things I set my mind to with or without my family’s support. I’ve managed this far!

A bit of the past

I was encouraged by my English Professor to start up a blog, I shared with Dr. Rodriguez, that I’ve blogged before but came to a halt because of my writer’s block. She said it didn’t matter and that I should just keep writing about anything. When I had moments of writer’s block I should draw or scribble and post it. So, here I am, again, starting up a new blog.

I will write about my past and how I’ve come to rise above it. I will write hopefully inspiring words for others, I will post pictures of my hyper dogs and write about them, I will share inspiring quotes and scriptures and hope that somehow it helps you bring a smile to your face and / or let you know that you’re not alone. I will go back and forth with the past and the present and hope that you can come along for the journey.

I was raised in a household of abuse. That sounds awful, I know, but what other words can I use to express what I went through? Anyways, I went through physical, sexual, psychological and emotional abuse. Physically I was hurt by my mother, I couldn’t understand why she hated me, but she was just taking her anger out on me. She was ill with diabetes and it’s gotten the best of her. But, now, I’m not making excuses for her, but, she too grew up in a household of abuse, so you can say it was a cycle. I was sexually abused by two family friends, one was a real close family friend that lived with us, the other visited once in a blue moon and my third abuser was a half-brother of mine. Psychologically and emotionally, I was abused by my father. He would encourage me to be what I wanted to be, but then would shut my dreams down or say I would never amount to anything good in my life and that by the age of 15 I would probably end up pregnant. That of course did not happen. He raised himself from the age of 13 on up, he basically grew up in the streets and was taken in by my aunts whom abused of him physically.

For years I kept silent, for years I was bitter. I was supposed to be loved and protected by my family instead of abused and mistreated. I was just a kid; I was five years old when it all started. I can’t remember anything before the age of five. I don’t know if that’s normal, but for the life of me, I just can’t remember.

For years I hated men and women since one of my sexual abusers was a female, the one that lived with us. Whom by the way my father, fathered three children with her and she lived under the same roof, imagine that? Tells you what kind of people they both were. I later learned that she was sexually abused by her father. And, the cycle keeps going.

Back to hating men and women, I disliked both genders for a long time. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being left alone in a room by myself with either male or female. I was petrified at the fact that I would sometimes have to be alone with an adult of either gender. It took years before I was comfortable with myself to be left alone with “them”. I would pray to God that they not touch me in any way shape or form. I couldn’t even get a pat on my back, because I felt disgusted. I felt like a bull’s eye. I felt that everyone was out to hurt me, I didn’t know any better.

My father couldn’t understand why I was such a “troubled” child, when I say troubled, all I did was cause trouble with the neighborhood kids or fight with my brothers, but when I think about it, all I was really doing was crying out for help with-out telling on the people that hurt me sexually. I was afraid that my parents wouldn’t believe me. I was afraid they’d think I’d made it up to get “more” attention. Attention I didn’t have at all. My parents were busy working so much to make sure we had everything and don’t get me wrong we had the latest toys, gimmicks, TV’s in every room, clothes, shoes. We had it all, but we didn’t have the love and care that I and my brothers starved for.

I would keep to myself and just be me, awkward and a big bully. I wasn’t going to allow to be bullied by anyone nor did I allow my brothers to continue being bullied at school, so I became a bully. I’m not proud of it, but it was a defense mechanism. Back in the 80’s and 90’s bullying wasn’t as bad as it is now. So I guess I’m trying to justify the word bully.

Fast forward to the age of 21; I was working for hallmark aviation services as a contractor for an airline doing customer service in the baggage service department. Someone had left a book entitled Mujer eres libre (Woman thou art loose) by Bishop T.D. Jakes. I started to read it at work and that book saved my life. It literally saved me from bitterness, hatred, self-doubt and a nasty attitude that I carried with me. It talked about the love of Jesus for “tainted” females. For females that have been through some form of abuse, especially sexually. I remember it saying that no matter what anyone’s done to the physical body, Jesus loved me. And that my friend is what gave me the courage to tell my father what my half-brother had done to me.

It was 3am when I arrived home and my father was waiting up for me, I gave him attitude and he asked why I was always so mean to him, I told him because ****** did this to me and you were supposed to protect me, you weren’t there when I needed you the most. His response was now I know why you hate men so much. He also said I needed help and that I should speak to a psychologist. I shrugged it off and went my way. But, my father didn’t know how else to respond, he didn’t know what else to say or do. Not that he could do anything by this time. It almost looked like he wanted to hug me, but he didn’t. I almost wanted a hug from him and to hear the words I love you.

I felt relieved when I shared with him what had happened, it was as if a load had been taken off, but there was more to tell and I couldn’t just throw everything out there, he needed to hear it bit by bit. He was not prepared to hear it all in one sitting.

A few years went by and my older brother told our dad that he had been raped by the person that lived with us. My father came to me and shared what my brother told him, and I told him to believe it because for years she had done that to me as well. Just recently my younger brother also shared with me that he too was violated as a kid. What kind of sick bitch would do such a thing? What enjoyment do adults get from sexually abusing children? What the f**k goes through their minds?

Between the ages of 12 and 15 all I ever tried to do was commit suicide. I would overdose on my mother’s medication, Lord knows what it was cause I don’t remember what I was taking. All it ever did to me was put me to sleep and my father had the audacity to always ask if I was pregnant….wtf? Really? Is that all he could ever think I would end up doing at a young age? I was scared of men and women, how could I end up pregnant? Again, he didn’t know any better.

I’m not trying to bash my parents or justify their attitudes or remarks, but they really did do the best they could and how they could. I don’t think they would have been prepared to deal with what I went through if I’d told them sooner.

I think this is all I will share for now. I hope you get the courage to open up about any past hurts or abuse that you endured as a child or even as an adult and you didn’t know how to protect yourself.