Goals & Aspirations

Other than my educational goals, which I’ve previously mentioned, I have other goals and aspirations.

I want to learn four or five more languages. I want to learn and fluently speak and sign; American Sign Language, French, Italian, Portuguese and some kind of Mandarin. I want to volunteer for the Peace Corps. I’d love to work for the United Nations once I’m done with my educational goals and work with victims of Human Trafficking and Refugees. I’d love to travel and see the world internationally and learn other cultures.

I’m currently a volunteer at American Red Cross as an International Case Worker where I help families locate loved ones in varies countries not just within the United   States. We even locate victims of the Holocaust and their where abouts if they are survivors! We also help locate victims of war from other countries. I think what the American Red Cross does is just AMAZING!!

I’d love to get back to bikram yoga – which is the equivalent of hot yoga in TX but in lesser degree rooms. The bikram yoga I did back home the temperature in the room was 105 degrees and I loved it. I even believe its better than sex; but, that’s just me.  In TX the temperature is way less; I believe the highest is 98 degrees. But it’s all good, as long as I get back to it; it’s all that matters to me. Plus, it offers great benefits like glowing skin because it helps detoxify your system and you can even lose weight just off of Hot Yoga. I’d love to start re-training to run in a half and full marathon. I don’t plan on being first place, but I’d really like to get back to running and just have that experience.

I plan to start writing a book; with the help of my previous English Professor. She will be helping me and guiding me as well as doing the P.R. for me; which is something she does on the side. She’s going to help get an Editor and Publisher as well. I’d love to bring this into fruition. I will most likely write about my life and the peeks and valleys I’ve been faced with and how I was able to get out of the rut I was in. It will be an inspiring book and it will also bring hope to victims and survivors of abuse.

I can only do all this with the limited time I have in a day and financial resources with the help of God. He’s my sole provider for all my heart’s desires. And He will help me bring all my goals and aspirations into fruition. I just have to believe and set my mind to it.

It’s so exciting to be sharing with you what I’d love to do with my life. You know, after this fall semester I will have 3 more semesters to go and I will be receiving my Bachelors. I can hardly wait! Just to envision myself graduating and walking the stage is what keeps me motivated to pursue my hearts desires.

Pray for me and my future endeavors.

Love & Light!

 

 

 

 

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Determination

As previously stated; I will be getting my Bachelor of Social Work in the Spring of 2015 which my goal was to have it by the time I’m 34, something I will be able to accomplish. I will be attending UTA for a dual Masters’ in Social Work and Public Administration and giving myself 2 years for that. I will then continue to pursue my Ph.D. in International Social Work, I have yet to know which school I will attend;  in hopes that I’m done with that by the time I’m 40.

I currently work two full time jobs. One consists of 40hrs a week working the graveyard shift and the other consists of 36hrs a week working the day shift. I don’t have a day off at all. It’s been a few weeks since I took time off my day job so I can focus on my classes but will be returning soon.  

For the summer I’m taking 18 credit hours which consist of six classes. You might ask if I sleep. I do, I get to nap two hours a day and that’s all. How can I function? I honestly don’t know. I just have the drive to continue to stay determined and focused and keep my eyes on my goals.

I also have a goal to be able to save at least 20k by the time I get my bachelor’s degree and purchase a home somewhere in TX. I don’t know where yet because it depends where the road leads with the man I’m in love with. I plan to include him in all my future endeavors, but it just all depends on him and what he’d like to do, and where our friendship / relationship goes.

I’m the type of woman that takes the bull by the horns and handles business. I don’t wait around for anyone to do anything for me and I don’t depend on anyone for anything. I’ve been this way since I was 13 years old. I think this was an issue in my marriage because when I would ask my ex-husband to do something he’d wait until he felt like doing it; so, I’d do it on my own. Whether it was helping our handyman put in new kitchen cabinets in our home or paint the whole inside of the house. I just took action and still do.

I started working at the age of 13 to help support my family. I’ve literally been working 19 years total. I remember when I started working at the day care I would bring home 100$ a week; I’d keep 20$ and give my dad the rest. My mother became extremely ill and became disabled, unable to help my father with bills. So, I took the initiative to help. My brothers got to do the sports things and enjoy a childhood. I don’t I ever really remember enjoying a childhood. I mean, I don’t sob about it. I’m 32 for crying out loud. I sure as hell don’t wish to go back in time. I also don’t regret anything in my life. I think people go through certain things to be able to help others’ in the future.

The first impression most people get from me is that I’m a b***h. But, I’m not; I can be if I have to. Only when I’m defending those I care about or someone messes with me. But, for the most part, I’m mellow, down to earth, a good woman, loving, sincere and genuine. Again, I don’t dilly dally around anything. I call it like I see it. Some people take that as being blunt, but only sometimes. I just don’t sugar coat anything because I don’t see a need for that. I think people need to know straight up whatever the issue is. Why sugar coat anything? I don’t get it.  

I’m determined to keep pushing forward no matter what peeks and valleys I have to go through. I can do all things through Christ and what I set my mind to, with of course the help of God. Only He gives me the strength to be able to have so much energy and make it day in and day out. All the glory be to God.

Love & Light!

G. GLOW

I’ve been feeling great this past week except for one day. I felt like what’s the point of working so hard to have so many challenges, trials and tribulations? I mean really? What outcome does God expect from me? Does he expect me to keep pushing forward or quit and go back to the miserable life I used to live? I don’t know if He just keeps teaching me a lesson or what. He knows I can handle what He puts in my path, so why keep going through this? But, then I realized that this is life; full of trials and tribulations – it’s how we learn to live a rich God given life.

Today I woke up feeling ecstatic yet tired and burned out. So I slept and stayed in bed till I had to get up and get ready for work.

My room-mate said I looked good; that there’s this glow to me. I came to work and chilled at the cafeteria because I was early an hour and studied for a bit. A house-keeping lady said I looked beautiful and she almost didn’t recognize me because there’s this glow to me. And, my co-worker said I’m shining like a star. Well, I figured three people have said I have a glow, guess I’m calling it the G. Glow! LOL. I find that so funny!

My response was maybe its love, who knows?! Only God knows! But, yes, I’m in Love (sigh). Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m on cloud number 9. I just hope I don’t fall hard; which is my main concern. But, I’m going with the flow and taking this one day at a time. We can’t possibly rush into anything with our busy and hectic schedules.  If this is meant to be it will find a way to work itself out, whether we can only spend a few hours together or just a weekend a month; as long as we get some quality time together, it’s what matters to me the most. Whatever the case, as long as we both try. I think that’s what counts the most, that we both put an effort into this new found love.

I text my best friend and shared with her everything that’s been going on in my life and the revelation I received from God. Her response was “Finally!” I can agree with her! This is a new feeling that I’ve never experienced and I love it. She also said “You deserve someone in your life that will love and care for you like never before.” We’ll see what the stars have in store for us.

I’m suppose to be working yet here I am writing this blog regarding my G. Glow! I can’t stop laughing. Yes, I’m random like that!!

Wish me luck y’all.

Love & Light!

Expressions from my Heart

Do you know what Love is? In my opinion, God is Love. I’ve experienced His Love for me and He’s allowed me to learn to love again. I’ll explain in just a bit, but first I got to go back to when I was married and what I thought was love.  I was with my ex-husband 2 ½ years before we decided to get married and then we were married 2 ½ years; totaling 5 years together. He was actually my first date, kiss, and boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him when I was 22 years old. I’ve come to realize that what I thought was love was just a relationship based off of sex from the get go; it was lust. Did I love him, well yes of course, I felt some sort of best friend kind of love for him. But, I wasn’t in-love with him. Sadly, I realized that when we were together four years, but I still continued in the relationship. We had a regular relationship with highs and lows. Mostly lows, but we stuck whatever we faced together. The problem was his mother. She created a lot of havoc in our relationship and it would urck the fuck out of me when he would not give me my place as his wife and defend me. I defended him against my family regardless. Why? Because he was my husband and no matter what he deserved some respect from my family. His mother was one of the many reasons why our relationship didn’t work out. Then, there was the part where he cheated on me a month after celebrating five years together. What the fuck is that? I mean really? If he wanted out, he could’ve just been open and honest and said so. I found this all out after we were separated. I remember him saying that we both needed to go our separate ways and that he didn’t have the heart to tell me why. My reaction was tears, a heart-break and the statement of “if you don’t have the heart, at least have the balls to tell me the truth.” He said he couldn’t. We went our separate ways and I never saw him again. 

You see, I’m a genuine person. I call it like I see it. If I say something it’s because I mean it. I don’t dilly dally around anything. I’m an honest and truth seeking person. I’d rather know the truth and get hurt rather than be told a lie and feel and look like an idiot. I don’t think its pride, I think it’s deserving to know the reason and also deserving of honesty and truth. After my divorce I dated a few guys here and there but it just wasn’t my cup of tea so I remained single without dating for years. My focus has been on me and taking care of my-self, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I had to heal from many wounds I had open. I had to heal a very broken heart. And with the help of some friends and God, I was able to do just that. I was able to mend all my open wounds from the past and my marriage.

I moved to Texas and began a new life, although as previously stated in a previous blog; my first year was very challenging. But, I’ve been able to settle down and have a good life; albeit, with many challenges, trials and tribulations, but, I keep pushing forward.

I was encouraged by a co-worker to date off of the website POF. I wasn’t too sure, but after much thought decided, what the heck. I created a profile and within a week I met a few guys and went on dates. Then, there he was. I met someone else; we went on our first date and hit it off. We’ve seen each other on and off since. But, I have feelings for him. What I feel for him is nothing compared to how I felt when I was married, this feeling is different. It’s a great feeling. 

While reading scriptures the other morning God gave me a message and said to let go and lower the barriers I’ve built around my heart. So, just simply like that, I did. And, do you know how I feel? I feel very vulnerable and unprotected. But, if this is what God said to do, I’m doing it with hopes that something wonderful and beautiful will flourish.

The title of my blog is Expressions from my heart. Well I’m going to give you the expressions of my heart right now. I’ve fallen for the man I met back in August. I’ve shared with him that I like him a lot but there are times where I’m scared he might not reciprocate the same feelings. God said it would all be ok. So, here goes. I feel true love for this man. I want to love and care for him. I want to spend sleepless nights talking and getting to know each other. I want to be able to hang out with him at a football or basketball game. I want to get to know his little girl and have the opportunity of the three of us hanging out. I want to be held by him at night and feel his love and protection. I want to be able to wish him a good day in the morning and kiss him goodnight at bedtime. I want a relationship with him based off a good friendship, honesty, respect, effective communication and loyalty. There are many other things I’d love to have with him, but the above mentioned are what is important to me. A few months ago, I shared with him that he had my heart and he couldn’t understand why if we barely know each other. And, I can’t answer that. He simply has my heart whether we’ve known each other a few months or whether it’s been years, he sincerely has my heart and I’m in love with him. There I said it. I’m in love with him. He has a beautiful soul, great eyes and a great smile. I don’t know that if I were to tell him how my heart feels for him if he’d think I was crazy or run. And it’s ok if he does either of the two. Love is and makes you do crazy things, like write this blog for everyone to know how I feel for this man. He makes my day when I hear from him and makes my heart smile.

For some people, y’all might think I’m corny but I don’t care what anyone thinks or has to say about how I feel or anything that has to do with me. All I know is I had to share with the world that I’m in love with a man that makes my heart smile and jump with joy, literally!

Wish me luck on my new ventures and this new found love.

 Love & Light!

Attitude of Gratitude

It seems that the month of November people seem to show more gratitude towards what they have and who they have in their lives. I guess it’s done because of Thanksgiving; but why not do it every day of our lives. Why wait till the Thanksgiving Holiday?

I believe we should always walk with an Attitude of Gratitude every waking moment of our lives. This way we realize how truly blessed we are for the people in our lives and the obstacles we all face. It’s what makes us stronger.

I’m grateful for what I’ve been through, although I’ve faced a lot of heartache, depression, disappointments, etc; I’ve been broken and abused, but God put all my heart’s pieces back together; He mended my wounds; and what I’ve been through does not define me as a person. It’s taught me a lot of lessons, like love and acceptance of myself then others.

An Attitude of Gratitude when you wake up will just make your whole day better. Give thanks to whatever God you believe in for another chance at living; like I said before, it doesn’t matter what we face. We should focus on what we do have in our lives, whether its people or materialistic things. In my personal opinion materialistic things can always be replaced, but not your loved ones or friends.

Walk the remaining of your day and life with an Attitude of Gratitude, you’ll truly feel a difference once you do and you’ll realize what a blessing it is!

~Love & Light

A bit of the past

I was encouraged by my English Professor to start up a blog, I shared with Dr. Rodriguez, that I’ve blogged before but came to a halt because of my writer’s block. She said it didn’t matter and that I should just keep writing about anything. When I had moments of writer’s block I should draw or scribble and post it. So, here I am, again, starting up a new blog.

I will write about my past and how I’ve come to rise above it. I will write hopefully inspiring words for others, I will post pictures of my hyper dogs and write about them, I will share inspiring quotes and scriptures and hope that somehow it helps you bring a smile to your face and / or let you know that you’re not alone. I will go back and forth with the past and the present and hope that you can come along for the journey.

I was raised in a household of abuse. That sounds awful, I know, but what other words can I use to express what I went through? Anyways, I went through physical, sexual, psychological and emotional abuse. Physically I was hurt by my mother, I couldn’t understand why she hated me, but she was just taking her anger out on me. She was ill with diabetes and it’s gotten the best of her. But, now, I’m not making excuses for her, but, she too grew up in a household of abuse, so you can say it was a cycle. I was sexually abused by two family friends, one was a real close family friend that lived with us, the other visited once in a blue moon and my third abuser was a half-brother of mine. Psychologically and emotionally, I was abused by my father. He would encourage me to be what I wanted to be, but then would shut my dreams down or say I would never amount to anything good in my life and that by the age of 15 I would probably end up pregnant. That of course did not happen. He raised himself from the age of 13 on up, he basically grew up in the streets and was taken in by my aunts whom abused of him physically.

For years I kept silent, for years I was bitter. I was supposed to be loved and protected by my family instead of abused and mistreated. I was just a kid; I was five years old when it all started. I can’t remember anything before the age of five. I don’t know if that’s normal, but for the life of me, I just can’t remember.

For years I hated men and women since one of my sexual abusers was a female, the one that lived with us. Whom by the way my father, fathered three children with her and she lived under the same roof, imagine that? Tells you what kind of people they both were. I later learned that she was sexually abused by her father. And, the cycle keeps going.

Back to hating men and women, I disliked both genders for a long time. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being left alone in a room by myself with either male or female. I was petrified at the fact that I would sometimes have to be alone with an adult of either gender. It took years before I was comfortable with myself to be left alone with “them”. I would pray to God that they not touch me in any way shape or form. I couldn’t even get a pat on my back, because I felt disgusted. I felt like a bull’s eye. I felt that everyone was out to hurt me, I didn’t know any better.

My father couldn’t understand why I was such a “troubled” child, when I say troubled, all I did was cause trouble with the neighborhood kids or fight with my brothers, but when I think about it, all I was really doing was crying out for help with-out telling on the people that hurt me sexually. I was afraid that my parents wouldn’t believe me. I was afraid they’d think I’d made it up to get “more” attention. Attention I didn’t have at all. My parents were busy working so much to make sure we had everything and don’t get me wrong we had the latest toys, gimmicks, TV’s in every room, clothes, shoes. We had it all, but we didn’t have the love and care that I and my brothers starved for.

I would keep to myself and just be me, awkward and a big bully. I wasn’t going to allow to be bullied by anyone nor did I allow my brothers to continue being bullied at school, so I became a bully. I’m not proud of it, but it was a defense mechanism. Back in the 80’s and 90’s bullying wasn’t as bad as it is now. So I guess I’m trying to justify the word bully.

Fast forward to the age of 21; I was working for hallmark aviation services as a contractor for an airline doing customer service in the baggage service department. Someone had left a book entitled Mujer eres libre (Woman thou art loose) by Bishop T.D. Jakes. I started to read it at work and that book saved my life. It literally saved me from bitterness, hatred, self-doubt and a nasty attitude that I carried with me. It talked about the love of Jesus for “tainted” females. For females that have been through some form of abuse, especially sexually. I remember it saying that no matter what anyone’s done to the physical body, Jesus loved me. And that my friend is what gave me the courage to tell my father what my half-brother had done to me.

It was 3am when I arrived home and my father was waiting up for me, I gave him attitude and he asked why I was always so mean to him, I told him because ****** did this to me and you were supposed to protect me, you weren’t there when I needed you the most. His response was now I know why you hate men so much. He also said I needed help and that I should speak to a psychologist. I shrugged it off and went my way. But, my father didn’t know how else to respond, he didn’t know what else to say or do. Not that he could do anything by this time. It almost looked like he wanted to hug me, but he didn’t. I almost wanted a hug from him and to hear the words I love you.

I felt relieved when I shared with him what had happened, it was as if a load had been taken off, but there was more to tell and I couldn’t just throw everything out there, he needed to hear it bit by bit. He was not prepared to hear it all in one sitting.

A few years went by and my older brother told our dad that he had been raped by the person that lived with us. My father came to me and shared what my brother told him, and I told him to believe it because for years she had done that to me as well. Just recently my younger brother also shared with me that he too was violated as a kid. What kind of sick bitch would do such a thing? What enjoyment do adults get from sexually abusing children? What the f**k goes through their minds?

Between the ages of 12 and 15 all I ever tried to do was commit suicide. I would overdose on my mother’s medication, Lord knows what it was cause I don’t remember what I was taking. All it ever did to me was put me to sleep and my father had the audacity to always ask if I was pregnant….wtf? Really? Is that all he could ever think I would end up doing at a young age? I was scared of men and women, how could I end up pregnant? Again, he didn’t know any better.

I’m not trying to bash my parents or justify their attitudes or remarks, but they really did do the best they could and how they could. I don’t think they would have been prepared to deal with what I went through if I’d told them sooner.

I think this is all I will share for now. I hope you get the courage to open up about any past hurts or abuse that you endured as a child or even as an adult and you didn’t know how to protect yourself.