After driving 24hrs with my younger brother we finally arrived home. It was a great trip, although we had quite a few disagreements due to our personal views on things, it was still a good trip. We got to bond with each other and get to learn more about each other. He did provide me with a lot of advice and his views on the current situations I’m having to face. Both of us have strong characters as well as a giving heart. He’s like my best friend because I can literally talk to him about EVERYTHING even about my guy issues and female issues. Although sometimes he says I give him TMI. He still listens to me.
As soon as we arrived to his house our parents came over and we had some delicious Pollo Loco; something I’d been craving for a couple of months; as well as some drinks! My family enjoys family time as well as having lots of drinks around! I’ve included a picture of me and my parents. Family and random people say I’m the spitting image of my father and it’s kind of sad that I ended up being a female. I don’t take it to heart, cuz I know I’m my own persona.
My dad has been bugging me to come back home. Every conversation we have is “come back home”. I’ve almost been convinced to just finish the summer session which is in two weeks and packing my personal belongings and coming back home. I spoke to a couple of friends and I already have a job lined up if I want it as well a place to live; which would be in my brother’s condo. But, part of me just wants to stay and live a peaceful life in Texas. So, we’ll see what the stars have in store for me these next few weeks and then maybe, just maybe I will return to california.
Most of my life I’ve lived in my own oppression. This past weekend I just couldn’t take it anymore. I used the fact that I was dared to do something and I did. I came clean and told my closest co-workers that I was a pansexual (along the lines of being bisexual). They couldn’t believe it and I was fine with that because I had this sense of relief rush through-out my whole body. Next thing I needed to do was tell my parents. I sent a text to my two brothers basically telling them I was gay. One of them turned around and told my dad. It wasn’t his place to say anything and I don’t think he understands the principle of it. Anyways, for hours my dad blew up my phone via calls and txt msgs. I couldn’t answer as all this happened, I was actually at work.
I waited to get home and even had a speech for my father: “Dad, is it a requirement for me to love men in order for you to love me? Because if that’s the case then know you’re my dad and I love you for who you are, who you’ve been, and who’ll you’ll be. I love you for your choices and your mistakes and I’d be happy if you stood by my side and accepted me as is, through my choices and mistakes, past and present. But this is who I am and who I’ll always be and you’ve loved me this long, while I’ve been this person and now your love changes because I’ve put a name on my sexuality?” His response was cold. He basically said that he used to be very proud of me and held me up in a pedestal and now with this he simply could not accept me and hung up on me.
While I sat in the truck sobbing, I could only think of relief and freedom. I was finally free from this long lived oppression within my heart. Do you understand the concept of being free? If you feel oppressed in any way, shape or form, try it sometime. You will cry and feel like nothing will bring you down, because you’ve broken those chains holding you down. My father asked if this is what he taught me. Where is the respect towards the family? He totally made this about him and not me; again I’m fine with it. I had to just get it off my chest and let them know who the real me is.
I can no longer hide myself because of shame or judgment from others. I refuse to accept anything less of myself. I will continue to live my life the way I have, continue my education and keep my eyes on the prize – my ultimate life goal. I will accomplish all things I set my mind to with or without my family’s support. I’ve managed this far!