Expressions from my Heart

Do you know what Love is? In my opinion, God is Love. I’ve experienced His Love for me and He’s allowed me to learn to love again. I’ll explain in just a bit, but first I got to go back to when I was married and what I thought was love.  I was with my ex-husband 2 ½ years before we decided to get married and then we were married 2 ½ years; totaling 5 years together. He was actually my first date, kiss, and boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him when I was 22 years old. I’ve come to realize that what I thought was love was just a relationship based off of sex from the get go; it was lust. Did I love him, well yes of course, I felt some sort of best friend kind of love for him. But, I wasn’t in-love with him. Sadly, I realized that when we were together four years, but I still continued in the relationship. We had a regular relationship with highs and lows. Mostly lows, but we stuck whatever we faced together. The problem was his mother. She created a lot of havoc in our relationship and it would urck the fuck out of me when he would not give me my place as his wife and defend me. I defended him against my family regardless. Why? Because he was my husband and no matter what he deserved some respect from my family. His mother was one of the many reasons why our relationship didn’t work out. Then, there was the part where he cheated on me a month after celebrating five years together. What the fuck is that? I mean really? If he wanted out, he could’ve just been open and honest and said so. I found this all out after we were separated. I remember him saying that we both needed to go our separate ways and that he didn’t have the heart to tell me why. My reaction was tears, a heart-break and the statement of “if you don’t have the heart, at least have the balls to tell me the truth.” He said he couldn’t. We went our separate ways and I never saw him again. 

You see, I’m a genuine person. I call it like I see it. If I say something it’s because I mean it. I don’t dilly dally around anything. I’m an honest and truth seeking person. I’d rather know the truth and get hurt rather than be told a lie and feel and look like an idiot. I don’t think its pride, I think it’s deserving to know the reason and also deserving of honesty and truth. After my divorce I dated a few guys here and there but it just wasn’t my cup of tea so I remained single without dating for years. My focus has been on me and taking care of my-self, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I had to heal from many wounds I had open. I had to heal a very broken heart. And with the help of some friends and God, I was able to do just that. I was able to mend all my open wounds from the past and my marriage.

I moved to Texas and began a new life, although as previously stated in a previous blog; my first year was very challenging. But, I’ve been able to settle down and have a good life; albeit, with many challenges, trials and tribulations, but, I keep pushing forward.

I was encouraged by a co-worker to date off of the website POF. I wasn’t too sure, but after much thought decided, what the heck. I created a profile and within a week I met a few guys and went on dates. Then, there he was. I met someone else; we went on our first date and hit it off. We’ve seen each other on and off since. But, I have feelings for him. What I feel for him is nothing compared to how I felt when I was married, this feeling is different. It’s a great feeling. 

While reading scriptures the other morning God gave me a message and said to let go and lower the barriers I’ve built around my heart. So, just simply like that, I did. And, do you know how I feel? I feel very vulnerable and unprotected. But, if this is what God said to do, I’m doing it with hopes that something wonderful and beautiful will flourish.

The title of my blog is Expressions from my heart. Well I’m going to give you the expressions of my heart right now. I’ve fallen for the man I met back in August. I’ve shared with him that I like him a lot but there are times where I’m scared he might not reciprocate the same feelings. God said it would all be ok. So, here goes. I feel true love for this man. I want to love and care for him. I want to spend sleepless nights talking and getting to know each other. I want to be able to hang out with him at a football or basketball game. I want to get to know his little girl and have the opportunity of the three of us hanging out. I want to be held by him at night and feel his love and protection. I want to be able to wish him a good day in the morning and kiss him goodnight at bedtime. I want a relationship with him based off a good friendship, honesty, respect, effective communication and loyalty. There are many other things I’d love to have with him, but the above mentioned are what is important to me. A few months ago, I shared with him that he had my heart and he couldn’t understand why if we barely know each other. And, I can’t answer that. He simply has my heart whether we’ve known each other a few months or whether it’s been years, he sincerely has my heart and I’m in love with him. There I said it. I’m in love with him. He has a beautiful soul, great eyes and a great smile. I don’t know that if I were to tell him how my heart feels for him if he’d think I was crazy or run. And it’s ok if he does either of the two. Love is and makes you do crazy things, like write this blog for everyone to know how I feel for this man. He makes my day when I hear from him and makes my heart smile.

For some people, y’all might think I’m corny but I don’t care what anyone thinks or has to say about how I feel or anything that has to do with me. All I know is I had to share with the world that I’m in love with a man that makes my heart smile and jump with joy, literally!

Wish me luck on my new ventures and this new found love.

 Love & Light!

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