Determination

As previously stated; I will be getting my Bachelor of Social Work in the Spring of 2015 which my goal was to have it by the time I’m 34, something I will be able to accomplish. I will be attending UTA for a dual Masters’ in Social Work and Public Administration and giving myself 2 years for that. I will then continue to pursue my Ph.D. in International Social Work, I have yet to know which school I will attend;  in hopes that I’m done with that by the time I’m 40.

I currently work two full time jobs. One consists of 40hrs a week working the graveyard shift and the other consists of 36hrs a week working the day shift. I don’t have a day off at all. It’s been a few weeks since I took time off my day job so I can focus on my classes but will be returning soon.  

For the summer I’m taking 18 credit hours which consist of six classes. You might ask if I sleep. I do, I get to nap two hours a day and that’s all. How can I function? I honestly don’t know. I just have the drive to continue to stay determined and focused and keep my eyes on my goals.

I also have a goal to be able to save at least 20k by the time I get my bachelor’s degree and purchase a home somewhere in TX. I don’t know where yet because it depends where the road leads with the man I’m in love with. I plan to include him in all my future endeavors, but it just all depends on him and what he’d like to do, and where our friendship / relationship goes.

I’m the type of woman that takes the bull by the horns and handles business. I don’t wait around for anyone to do anything for me and I don’t depend on anyone for anything. I’ve been this way since I was 13 years old. I think this was an issue in my marriage because when I would ask my ex-husband to do something he’d wait until he felt like doing it; so, I’d do it on my own. Whether it was helping our handyman put in new kitchen cabinets in our home or paint the whole inside of the house. I just took action and still do.

I started working at the age of 13 to help support my family. I’ve literally been working 19 years total. I remember when I started working at the day care I would bring home 100$ a week; I’d keep 20$ and give my dad the rest. My mother became extremely ill and became disabled, unable to help my father with bills. So, I took the initiative to help. My brothers got to do the sports things and enjoy a childhood. I don’t I ever really remember enjoying a childhood. I mean, I don’t sob about it. I’m 32 for crying out loud. I sure as hell don’t wish to go back in time. I also don’t regret anything in my life. I think people go through certain things to be able to help others’ in the future.

The first impression most people get from me is that I’m a b***h. But, I’m not; I can be if I have to. Only when I’m defending those I care about or someone messes with me. But, for the most part, I’m mellow, down to earth, a good woman, loving, sincere and genuine. Again, I don’t dilly dally around anything. I call it like I see it. Some people take that as being blunt, but only sometimes. I just don’t sugar coat anything because I don’t see a need for that. I think people need to know straight up whatever the issue is. Why sugar coat anything? I don’t get it.  

I’m determined to keep pushing forward no matter what peeks and valleys I have to go through. I can do all things through Christ and what I set my mind to, with of course the help of God. Only He gives me the strength to be able to have so much energy and make it day in and day out. All the glory be to God.

Love & Light!

Do you know pain?

Do you know the pain of emotionless parents? Do you know the pain of being robbed your innocence? Do you know the pain of heart-break? Of physical pain? Of Psychological pain? I do. I’ve known this pain from the age of 5 up until recently I would say up until I turned 30 years old; where I decided I would no longer allow it to rob my happiness. That’s 25 years of pain; from all sorts of sources. But, somehow I’ve been able to stand strong. This amazes me even. Why? Because, I’m only 32 years old and I can relate to peoples’ pain within their hearts and whatever they are faced with. I can feel what people are faced with and that’s what brings tears to my eyes. Not the fact of what I’ve been through, because I’ve mended all my wounds; but what other people I encounter have to deal with and them not knowing how to handle it.

I’ve been dealt a serious of trials and tribulations through out my life. But you know how I’ve survived it? I know this will sound crazy; but by giving of myself; by volunteering at a hospice clinic, at a pre-kindergarten, at a convalescent home; at child protective services and now soon to volunteer at American Red Cross and Mosaic.

I’m excited to announce I will be an international case worker for the American Red Cross and teaching English as a Second Language to victims of Human Trafficking and Refugees. This literally brings happiness and joy to my heart. Because, I will be able to inspire others with my life story. I will be able to give them hope and show them love. I will be able to help victims of all sorts to rise above their situation. I will be selfless and continue to give of myself. But, this can only be done by the Grace of God.

For many years I wanted to be an R.N. but I kept lagging it in taking the courses; I would take one here and there. It’s not until 2 years ago where I decided to change my career because of a life event I had to deal with and I was given the revelation that I was choosing the wrong career. I changed my career from nursing to Social Work.

I will be getting my Bachelor of Social Work by spring of 2015. I will then attend UTA and obtain a dual Master’s in Social Work and Public Administration. From there I will continue to pursue my degree and obtain my Ph.D. in International Social Work and work with the United Nations Chapter here in Dallas and work with Victims of Human Trafficking and Refugees. This is my ultimate life goal. I might be 40 years old by the time I finish my educational goals, but it’s ok. There’s no rush. School will always be there. My fear and question is will I be able to have it all, a husband, kids, and my career? Only Lord knows what’s really in store for me. But I will keep pushing forward until He says I’m done with my education.

Although I’ve been through a lot of pain, God has been there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been upset with Him for allowing me to go through certain things in life, but no matter what He’s been there for me and has accepted and loved me unconditionally. Something I’ve come to terms with just a year ago.

If you deal with pain and don’t know how to handle it, I will be all eyes and ears for you. You can talk to me via email anytime at just.writing@hotmail.com I can give you words of encouragement or solutions to your issue. Another thing about me is I don’t take no for an answer. I will always find the yes in the million no’s I get.

Love & Light!

G. GLOW

I’ve been feeling great this past week except for one day. I felt like what’s the point of working so hard to have so many challenges, trials and tribulations? I mean really? What outcome does God expect from me? Does he expect me to keep pushing forward or quit and go back to the miserable life I used to live? I don’t know if He just keeps teaching me a lesson or what. He knows I can handle what He puts in my path, so why keep going through this? But, then I realized that this is life; full of trials and tribulations – it’s how we learn to live a rich God given life.

Today I woke up feeling ecstatic yet tired and burned out. So I slept and stayed in bed till I had to get up and get ready for work.

My room-mate said I looked good; that there’s this glow to me. I came to work and chilled at the cafeteria because I was early an hour and studied for a bit. A house-keeping lady said I looked beautiful and she almost didn’t recognize me because there’s this glow to me. And, my co-worker said I’m shining like a star. Well, I figured three people have said I have a glow, guess I’m calling it the G. Glow! LOL. I find that so funny!

My response was maybe its love, who knows?! Only God knows! But, yes, I’m in Love (sigh). Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m on cloud number 9. I just hope I don’t fall hard; which is my main concern. But, I’m going with the flow and taking this one day at a time. We can’t possibly rush into anything with our busy and hectic schedules.  If this is meant to be it will find a way to work itself out, whether we can only spend a few hours together or just a weekend a month; as long as we get some quality time together, it’s what matters to me the most. Whatever the case, as long as we both try. I think that’s what counts the most, that we both put an effort into this new found love.

I text my best friend and shared with her everything that’s been going on in my life and the revelation I received from God. Her response was “Finally!” I can agree with her! This is a new feeling that I’ve never experienced and I love it. She also said “You deserve someone in your life that will love and care for you like never before.” We’ll see what the stars have in store for us.

I’m suppose to be working yet here I am writing this blog regarding my G. Glow! I can’t stop laughing. Yes, I’m random like that!!

Wish me luck y’all.

Love & Light!

Expressions from my Heart

Do you know what Love is? In my opinion, God is Love. I’ve experienced His Love for me and He’s allowed me to learn to love again. I’ll explain in just a bit, but first I got to go back to when I was married and what I thought was love.  I was with my ex-husband 2 ½ years before we decided to get married and then we were married 2 ½ years; totaling 5 years together. He was actually my first date, kiss, and boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him when I was 22 years old. I’ve come to realize that what I thought was love was just a relationship based off of sex from the get go; it was lust. Did I love him, well yes of course, I felt some sort of best friend kind of love for him. But, I wasn’t in-love with him. Sadly, I realized that when we were together four years, but I still continued in the relationship. We had a regular relationship with highs and lows. Mostly lows, but we stuck whatever we faced together. The problem was his mother. She created a lot of havoc in our relationship and it would urck the fuck out of me when he would not give me my place as his wife and defend me. I defended him against my family regardless. Why? Because he was my husband and no matter what he deserved some respect from my family. His mother was one of the many reasons why our relationship didn’t work out. Then, there was the part where he cheated on me a month after celebrating five years together. What the fuck is that? I mean really? If he wanted out, he could’ve just been open and honest and said so. I found this all out after we were separated. I remember him saying that we both needed to go our separate ways and that he didn’t have the heart to tell me why. My reaction was tears, a heart-break and the statement of “if you don’t have the heart, at least have the balls to tell me the truth.” He said he couldn’t. We went our separate ways and I never saw him again. 

You see, I’m a genuine person. I call it like I see it. If I say something it’s because I mean it. I don’t dilly dally around anything. I’m an honest and truth seeking person. I’d rather know the truth and get hurt rather than be told a lie and feel and look like an idiot. I don’t think its pride, I think it’s deserving to know the reason and also deserving of honesty and truth. After my divorce I dated a few guys here and there but it just wasn’t my cup of tea so I remained single without dating for years. My focus has been on me and taking care of my-self, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I had to heal from many wounds I had open. I had to heal a very broken heart. And with the help of some friends and God, I was able to do just that. I was able to mend all my open wounds from the past and my marriage.

I moved to Texas and began a new life, although as previously stated in a previous blog; my first year was very challenging. But, I’ve been able to settle down and have a good life; albeit, with many challenges, trials and tribulations, but, I keep pushing forward.

I was encouraged by a co-worker to date off of the website POF. I wasn’t too sure, but after much thought decided, what the heck. I created a profile and within a week I met a few guys and went on dates. Then, there he was. I met someone else; we went on our first date and hit it off. We’ve seen each other on and off since. But, I have feelings for him. What I feel for him is nothing compared to how I felt when I was married, this feeling is different. It’s a great feeling. 

While reading scriptures the other morning God gave me a message and said to let go and lower the barriers I’ve built around my heart. So, just simply like that, I did. And, do you know how I feel? I feel very vulnerable and unprotected. But, if this is what God said to do, I’m doing it with hopes that something wonderful and beautiful will flourish.

The title of my blog is Expressions from my heart. Well I’m going to give you the expressions of my heart right now. I’ve fallen for the man I met back in August. I’ve shared with him that I like him a lot but there are times where I’m scared he might not reciprocate the same feelings. God said it would all be ok. So, here goes. I feel true love for this man. I want to love and care for him. I want to spend sleepless nights talking and getting to know each other. I want to be able to hang out with him at a football or basketball game. I want to get to know his little girl and have the opportunity of the three of us hanging out. I want to be held by him at night and feel his love and protection. I want to be able to wish him a good day in the morning and kiss him goodnight at bedtime. I want a relationship with him based off a good friendship, honesty, respect, effective communication and loyalty. There are many other things I’d love to have with him, but the above mentioned are what is important to me. A few months ago, I shared with him that he had my heart and he couldn’t understand why if we barely know each other. And, I can’t answer that. He simply has my heart whether we’ve known each other a few months or whether it’s been years, he sincerely has my heart and I’m in love with him. There I said it. I’m in love with him. He has a beautiful soul, great eyes and a great smile. I don’t know that if I were to tell him how my heart feels for him if he’d think I was crazy or run. And it’s ok if he does either of the two. Love is and makes you do crazy things, like write this blog for everyone to know how I feel for this man. He makes my day when I hear from him and makes my heart smile.

For some people, y’all might think I’m corny but I don’t care what anyone thinks or has to say about how I feel or anything that has to do with me. All I know is I had to share with the world that I’m in love with a man that makes my heart smile and jump with joy, literally!

Wish me luck on my new ventures and this new found love.

 Love & Light!

I found myself!

I’m going to go back as far as 3 years ago. I was feeling lost (like most times) and desperate for something else out of life. I couldn’t understand why I felt so empty and dissatisfied with the life I was leading. Although, I was actively engaged in church; volunteering; bible studies 2 nights a week; school part time and working full time graveyard shift. I was still empty.  I was drowning in the needs and wants of my family and putting my own needs aside. I entrusted in a friend how badly I would do anything to move to TX. I didn’t know what area I’d move to, the only somewhat familiar city was San Antonio, TX; where I currently have family. But, I wanted to be away from all family members. I wanted to be alone and by myself without feeling like I was carrying a burden on my shoulders. All my life I’ve been a worry warrior always doing for others and putting my needs and desires on the back burner. Well, I was tired of it. Although, I didn’t express this openly except to the woman whom was my mentor back in the day. She encouraged me to try and apply at TWU and pray that I would be accepted. I was very hesitant about being accepted. But, two months later I received the acceptance letter and was being accepted into the school with a 3.0 GPA. I was ECSTATIC!! Never in my right mind did I think I would be at a University level, but here I was and my acceptance letter. Time came around to share with my dad that I was accepted and that I would be moving in August. He wasn’t happy for the news nor did he congratulate me of my acceptance. This was HUGE to me!! I mean coming from my background this was a huge milestone in my life. I was 29 years old and a freshman at a University! I kind of got bummed that I was so old, but then again, I lived my life in reserve; by getting married at a young age and doing the wifely thing and having things not work out and again feeling lost and helpless with my life.

 But then I met my mentor. I was training her at work and we got to know each other on a personal level and she became my life coach, per say. She prayed over me on a daily basis. Any who, back to school. I had a meeting with an Adviser and a tour of the campus. That summer of 2010 my family and I came out to San Antonio to my baby cousin’s high school graduation. I asked my father to lend me the expo and he said I needed to figure out another way to get to Denton; that he wouldn’t lend me his car. So I tried getting a flight and even taking the train but there was all these time constraints and not working out with the schedule I needed to keep for the next day with the Adviser. So, I rented a car. Of course my father was upset that I’d actually found a solution and he actually prayed out loud that I didn’t get the rental, but much to his dismay the guy at Enterprise helped me out. I explained the situation and he got me hooked up. It was 10pm the night before the drive to Denton and I was feeling super proud of myself for finding a solution (like always) I’m pretty resourceful and don’t take no for an answer at all. I always try and find a yes in every situation. So I try and sleep and all I can think about is TWU and Denton and being far from my family. I got up at 230am, showered, dressed and hit the road. At this time, I had my puppy tun-tun whom was only 2 months old and still feeding him solution and my dad said I needed to take him with me, well, I didn’t want to but I did. He rode with me – that’s why I think Tun-Tun is so darn faithful. Back to the story, I arrived to Denton exactly at 830am; it was a 6 hour drive. I went and got breakfast and waited patiently for 930am to roll around and it finally did.

I had so many questions scrambled in my head to ask my advisor and things regarding financial aid what I needed to do, bring, show proof of….oh so so many things and yet again I felt empty because my family has never been there for me to celebrate the milestones of my life, but I guess you kind of get used to it. So 330pm comes around and I’m on my way back to San Antonio, I actually took a 2 hour nap by the park next to campus because I was exhausted and I hadn’t slept the night before because of all the anxiety I was facing. I get to San Antonio and my dad is pissed the Fuck off with me for no reason other than me wanting a better future for myself. I ignored him, best thing to do when he has his phases of jealousy.

Well I didn’t tell them anything about my trip other than everything went well. It was itching him to know exactly what went down, but I was not going to share all the positive and encouraging support I received from school. So I kept it to myself.

 We head back to Cali and he tries to make short talk, but I aint having it.

August comes around and I start selling every piece of furniture, stove, refrigerator, items I no longer needed to raise money for my trip. I cash out my retirement fund but had to wait 30 days before I could receive it. With my sales and saving a lil money here and there I had 3000$ enough to get an apartment and hold me out for 2 months. Well, again, I put my family’s needs first and set myself on the back burner. My family needed financial help and I literally spent all my money from my sales on them except for 200$ the day I left California I only had $200 in my pocket enough for only gas to get me to San Antonio because I was going to spend 2 weeks with family there and then head out to Denton. Well, the day I left my dad was pissed and gave me $60 dollars and my mom packed some snacks, water & juice. I used to own a 2007 Toyota corolla that I worked so hard to obtain – and it was jammed packed with over 150 books that I own, my clothes and my desktop oh yea and my two dogs, Cocoa and Tuntun.

I leave California about 4pm and drove 30 hours straight without stopping except for gas and the potty for the dogs and myself. 30 hours on the highway by myself and the little belongings that I had. When I get to Arizona I get anxiety and start to doubt that I’d made the right decision. I almost came back home, but I kept driving forward; which forward was the only way. On occasions I got the phone call from my parents. I arrived in San Antonio around midnight of the next day, exhausted and sleepy. I didn’t even stop to sleep anywhere except at a rest area I took a 20 minute nap but felt uncomfortable because it was really dark and the dogs kept barking. So I got up and drove off.

I spent two weeks in San Antonio soaking up the sun and chillin’ with my family. The day came when I had to depart and head out to Denton. Granted I had no funds except like 140$ left in my pocket. I had found an apartment and arranged to move in a day before orientation. Well I arrive to Denton exactly at 530pm before the apartment complex closes and the manager was actually waiting for me so I signed the lease get the keys and start unloading my car. A neighbor was nice enough to help me, any who. I didn’t give one cent, I hadn’t mentioned anything about the rent or deposit because I needed to buy time in order to get my retirement fund which was about 6000$ I had saved in 3 years through my employer – not bad kiddo! Ja! So a week goes by and the manager finally calls me and says she hadn’t realized that I hadn’t given her the deposit and rent and I said oh my word I hadn’t either. That there was a God thing. So I wait two more days and I get my retirement fund and pay them the deposit and rent.

Time has gone by and I’ve gone through some highs and lows. I couldn’t find a job for almost a fucking year and not even part time at that. I had to pay out of pocket for my tuition until I went to the Vice President of Student Life and sobbed my story to her in parts because I couldn’t take the stress anymore and the doubts that ran through my head that maybe I’d made a huge mistake. But, I didn’t. I was just facing trials and tribulations, God had to make sure I was worthy of His blessings.

Ms. Quinones gets me some help and two grants which waived the out of state tuition and I get about 8k in refunds which holds me up for another six months. By this time I’d found a part time job being an assistant to the Executive Director at a counseling center; that job is what saved me. Well the month of May comes around and I lose my car because I hadn’t paid it in three months – I was up to date with everything else but I sacrificed my car because I would’ve preferred to pay electricity rather than a car note. On Cinco de Mayo as soon as I get home from work a tow truck pulls up and takes my car. The guy was nice enough to let me take my things out, but I left a Light Purple Care Bear in the back seat which I’ve had since 1989 and I lost it. I think I was more hurt about my care bear than my car. A car is something replaceable but something from your childhood isn’t.

Here we are three years later working 2 full time jobs and going to school full time. And I have my own car again. Yay!

I share this because I want people to know that no matter what you’re faced with, you can rise above it all by being persistent and keeping your eyes on the prize, in my case my prize is my degree. And no matter how many times I’ve moved for whatever reason, the material things I’ve lost I haven’t lost myself. I actually found myself and have been humbled by God in accepting what He gives me. I hope you find my journey encouraging in some way.

 Love & Light!